mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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