Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
