And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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