Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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