Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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