i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
