i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
