I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
