If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
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