I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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