You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
