jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
