Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
