Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
