I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
