my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
