he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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