Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
