The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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