My liver just broke up with me...
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Randomize
