I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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