You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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