We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
