I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
