I want to walk on stilts...naked
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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