Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
