I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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