How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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