all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
