I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
