Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
there is puke in my bra ... again
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