Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
