Don't make out with my wife yet
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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