Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
