True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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