Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
