Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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