We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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