I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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