Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
there is puke in my bra ... again
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
