Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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