If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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