i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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