so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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