I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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