someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
