I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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