I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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