you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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