This dress was meant to end up on your floor
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
