I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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