Taylor Swift is so right about you.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
