Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
