Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
