Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
