if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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