i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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