3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
