I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
